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My childhood story, abuse, trauma, complex PTSD, depression and anxiety



My childhood story about how I was raised in an abusive home. How it has led to my complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression issues. Ways you can cope, how I cope. thank you for listening to my story. If it helped you feel not alone, I would like to know.
Thanks – Hugs and love
Update Video : https://youtu.be/AhT3JrMbBJE
Most Recent Update May 2017: Taking your power back – https://www.youtube.com/edit?o=U&video_id=GrpVp1W1UW8

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43 comments

  1. Most recent video for anyone who has been following my healing journey, love, peace and healing to you. In this video I talk about conforming my mom, I did it, it was hard but I did it. Never thought Id be this strong, but I have been determined. May 2017 video: https://www.youtube.com/edit?o=U&video_id=GrpVp1W1UW8

  2. wauw this is horrible, you poor thing, i know trauma bond i also was trauma bonded to my mother, an you believe everything they say

  3. This made me cry. I am only now getting help. Having a child can be a catalyst. I have chronic derealisation. Anxiety and C-ptsd.
    At 13, I was severely abused but unfortunately there were other awfully traumatic incident which compounded things. I shoved it all down, suppressing the anxiety. Ignoring the flashbacks and so forth and living with derealisation for over twenty yrs… It became normal. Then I had my son. The overwhelming love I had was matched by intense fear that something would happen to hurt him. I was obsessed about protecting him. That's when the house of cards went poof. I was left, standing in front of my child-self at 36. Anxiety attacks came (and come) thick and fast. I had vertigo due to my neck muscles being so tight. I started having migraines. Flashbacks. You name it. I finally contacted the police and reported my abuser. Case pending. I am in talk-therapy but it's kinda making me feel worse right now. Your clip made me cry. I empathize so much with you. These things are not talked about alot. It ruins lives, the silence and pretence. For all those suffering. I wish you healing and send so much love. Thank you for making this clip. It helps. We are not alone xx

  4. My heart breaks for you. What really burns me inside is that abusers, whether parent (s), spouses, bullies, whatever form they take, receive NO punishment. It is the abused, the targets (and I'll never say victim, for we are incredibly strong to still be dealing with it all) who suffer the consequences, while they seem to flourish. I still need help, beginning my journey, but my heart cries.

  5. Thank you so much for this video. I have gone through similar experiences throughout my childhood with my father. I am so glad you mentioned that your family wants you to integrate and get over it but it is just too difficult. I had realized with sadness that I would not only have to have no contact with my abuser but also other members of my family as they didn't take my suffering seriously and did not acknowledge the magnitude of the trauma, they are still influenced by him. Again thank you for your honesty and bravery. Maybe one day I'll have as much guts as you and share my story.

  6. Hi..a lot of abusive parents were victims of abuse themselves. They are simply the next perpetrators in the vicious cycle. Knowing this helps to deal with the resentment towards them by mapping the bigger picture of cause and effect. I hope you find peace in your heart..know that you are courageous for sharing this video and helping to break the cycle of abuse everywhere

  7. Believe your truth. Do the work to heal no matter what. I have no contact with family of origin difficult to do but very positive for recovery.

  8. Stefania, I just want to thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a beautiful and intelligent young lady and I wish you happiness. I am subscribing to you. Looking forward to your other videos : )

  9. Thanks for sharing. Your story matters and I hope I can figure out my story and dare to talk about it like this one day. I had several aha-moments during the video. Take care!

  10. Your childhood sounds a lot like mine, although my sister got more of the extreme physical abuse than I did, but I saw it all and lived in constant fear. I did get some of the slapping and hitting, but feared many times for my sister's life.

  11. i can relatw i didnt know how.my mom would hurt me if i was going to get beat or not im abused right now and i have anxiety and depression sucidal thoughts i attempted it so many times im suppose to be in therapy but she said no

  12. You're a very strong lady to have told your story. I do hope that this inspires many other children, experiencing molestation, to do get help. Innocence is such a beautiful thing, and such a horrific thing to have stolen. You seem as though you have a very levelheaded and wise beyond your years. I urge you to be one of thousands making a difference. Please, write your senator and president a letter, asking them to do something about child molestation in America. Ask every one of your friends, family members, and teachers to do the same. Have them ask their friends, families, etc. You can make a difference. If you know Christ, pray that your message is heard. If you don't know Christ, I do hope you meet him down the road. God bless you. You will be in my prayers. <3

  13. Hi Stefania.
    So sad listening to your story.
    I'm the husband of a survivor of abuse.( We're both in our fifties. )Her story is very similar to yours . She has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. We didn't know why she had depression. It's just something we've lived with. She could still function 80% of the time. She had a complete breakdown 3 years ago We didn't know what caused it until she was referred to a psychologist. She was diagnosed with bi-polar 2 and depression caused by emotional,psychological and physical abuse since birth. She is almost 100% non functioning since her breakdown. I always knew that her mother was controlling but had no idea what had happened in her younger years. Mandy didn't even know it was abuse. She just thought it was the norm. Turns out her mother is a very clever and covert narcissist. We never new what that was. WE KNOW NOW. After some in depth research.
    She's had various group therapy courses that didn't seem to help. Mandy is now getting complex therapy and it is helping. She's been no contact with her mother for 3 years and had to go no contact with the rest of the family for 2 years as they just don't believe her ( or do believe but just don't care). She gets triggered if there is any confrontation from any family members that defends her mother. We now know that her family is the typical dysfunctional narcissistic family. Mother the narc father the enabler older sister the golden child. They all play their roles very well. This is more common than you'd think.
    You seem to be very well informed about the subject and although you seem to be coping I can see your still dealing with it. I see a lot of Mandy in you and my heart breaks for both of you. The way you're protecting your children from it is admirable. No contact is the correct route. You should also cut out anyone who defends her. But I know that talking and crying about it will help in time. Good luck to you and God bless you.

  14. I was just moved in spirit¬†to search youtube. I Entered "Trauma from Childhood & depression" in the search box & here I am with you all… ūüôā I am at a point where I am frustrated & hurt so much inside! I have been taking in positive affirmation audios I tried Christianity¬†for years¬†I have taken in everything from sleep meditation to all the I AM audio books and more… I enjoy ¬†Wayne Dyer to Carlton Person. I watch everything I can on youtube trying to find some understanding & peace. I¬†went through some crazy childhood experience everything from drunken violent dad¬† crazy mom 3 bro & sis 12 to 21 years older than me all of them mean alcoholics. I was molested from as far back as¬†I can remember not by family¬†. I was also kidnapped by a couple of sick men who forced things on me. I was about 10 when that happened. I escaped from that situation & never told anyone about it till I was married.¬† I was bullied by my older bros verbally & emotionally abused by my mom dad & others in the family. The molestations were not by family it was from older boys & one young woman in the 2 neighborhoods I lived in from the age of 5 till I was early teen. . This noccured weekly! ¬†I am taking in your experiences & I know your pain. I go to counseling every 2 weeks have been for 5 years now I am 58 yrs old now I still hurt & do not like or trust humanity at all! Sorry but that's what all of that did to my emotional & mental stability…¬† I take no meds I am in a battle every day to maintain my overall life flow. It is hard to love yourself because you have a feeling inside that says you deserved it you were not a good person you did something wrong to cause people to¬† do what they did. It sucks! I am glad I came to this page I am going to take in all I can from other peoples stories & vids. Thank you for your courage & sharing¬†this video!!!!

  15. I am calling here for CSA survivors to add comments on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB2OegI6wvI where viewers are supporting Elizabeth Loftus. You may have heard of this woman. She specializes in research into false memories, which in itself would be fine if it were only in support of the wrongfully accused, but her testimony has been used against incest victims who knew their torturers and could not possibly have been mistaken about their identity, and her findings on faulty retention of trivial details in one’s field of vision have been applied to devastating violations as if there is no difference between the two. This is a truly evil woman, and there is a nest of her supporters at the URL given above. Please bring your truth and morality to bear upon this seedbed of evil. Thank you.

  16. I just watched your video and just want to say thank you for being so brave! I am in the lengthy and challenging process of diagnosing, after several different doctors and therapists and my mother have been suspecting me having ptsd from a complex trauma pattern in my childhood. sexual abuse and emotional abuse from my father who is at least a narcisist if not a sociopath. So even though I was never beaten, something about your story ressonated with me, and it actually triggered a flashback of a memory have repressed. That may sound bad, but it is really helping me puzzle my story together as a major part of my symptoms are memory loss and black outs. So thank you! And I know the video is two years old, but I wish you the best on your journey to recovery!

  17. I want to thank you for being so brave. I thought I was alone. Our stories are very similar in many areas. I can't go into my story as I sit here and cry for your pain. Even though I do not know you, I love you. <3

  18. I am 17 years old and my father was abusive to me when I was growing up as a kid around the age of 6 my dad hit me in the head for the first time and that's when I started to fear for my life when I got home from school cuz I did not know what would happen the next day and he left to where he came from and from him hitting me for a long time in the head I have now ptsd

  19. Who gives a damn about the adults who were victims of child abuse? I have CPTSD because of a violent mother who everyone else thought was a saint. I'm a SSI disability because I cant work and I cant even get the necessary care because it costs too much. I have a crisis worker who promised me the world in terms of support and care, but now she wont even return voice messages. Adult survivors are invisible, so where do we go for care and treatment because a violent parent took our childhood away from us?

  20. you are doing great !!! i'm a survivor too and its really hard. My family isolates me so yep i know whatya mean
    starting emdr next week. Try IFS as well!
    hugs and strength
    here are some links that could help
    http://www.screamsfromchildhood.com/index-2.html
    http://self-compassion.org/
    https://www.selfleadership.org/
    https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/our-childhood-international

  21. I am struggling with anger at your mother right now. I really hate her. It will pass, because investing hatred into someone so useless is useless.

  22. Have you checked out Trauma Recovery University on YouTube? It has helped me and may help others too.

  23. i feel like i can relate to you. i cried when you mention about the bathtub and mermaid thing. cuz that i had that exact moment. =(

  24. i have complex PTSD as well…

  25. Wowwww. This was my life too. So glad we made it though. Hugs.

  26. Yeah I was devil bitch. She 'shat' me out. Or she should of and wished she had an abortion. She told me on a good few occasions that I needed cleansing and pushed me in baths. She was unpredictable . she would change and be nice as piue if you broke something by accident one time and another a raging monster who looked posessed . there was a time I was doing what you were doing. In her jewellry . and she caught me and punched me in the face. And blacked my eye. My dad warned her he would ring social care. My dad suffered with schizophrenia but had me regularly as he managed it really well. But he lacked confidence to ring someone as he must have thought I'd go into care. Sometimes I wish I did go into care. When I look back it hurts but I also feel tremendous guilt. There are other repressed memories that come back from time to time. She would spit. Smash my room up. Smash my doll house and my toys. Tell me I'm fat and ugly and like my 'psycho' dad. She accepts none of it . its in my head or I want to be a victim. Its the last thing I wanted. When I tell her I'm depressed. ' I have nothing to be depressed about' I'm 23 and have a 5 year old who I had when I was 17 to a severely abusive person who abused me in different ways also. I love my son he is amazing but I suffer with depression and every day is a struggle. My mum was adopted I don't think my adoptive Nana was great. I think she was abusive. My mum didn't break the cycle but I am. The biggest thing I want to learn is self love and that it wasn't my fault. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I truly believe that I can get well and feel whole for the first time. You are a very brave woman for telling your story and getting help to overcome it as that is a hard step. Xxxx much love to you beautiful

  27. Thank you for doing this, I know the pain

  28. Sounds like your mother was a narcissist. There is a great community of us who are narc abuse survivors. Try "Shrinking Violet" channel. There is "Narcissism Survivor" channel who explains a lot about narcissism. There are many many more channels where you can get support and lots of validation. It has helped me a lot. I am so sorry you went through this. Peace to you.

  29. thank yo so much for being so open, my paranets was married my mom suffered a lot from all sorts, I don't rememeber much, growing up exspt my mom and I didn't get on well I she beat and made me do a lot in the house, looking after siblings etc, long story short, I'm an adult who is so stuck, me and my partner argue a lot, I smash the house up I scream I shout, I never hit my children I love them so much,

    my partner just dosnt get me , I don't even get me, iv had spiritual work done but now iv come across this disorder it has clicked with me big time! love too u

  30. Hey Stefania, I once got approached by someone who I¬†also thought was going to kill me. Your story has inspired me to make my own video about what happed with me. Its no where NEAR what you went through though. But thankyou. Thankyou you for showing me the light! ūüėČ

  31. I've suffered mental illness, especially depression and PTSD, since 1982, These illnesses are more painful and kill more people than Ebola, cancer, AIDS, and auto-immune disorders combined Please read my words and "soak" them in, I am now 45 years old and succumbing to the illness, I have tried every remedy mankind has to offer and am "waving the white flag." mine is very SEVERE and it has completely destroyed my life, before I die, I am just trying to leave my mark on society by perhaps helping another person, people avoid discussing it because it is an unpleasant topic, meanwhile* every 14 seconds around the world depression will EXTINGUISH another life*

  32. I've suffered mental illness, especially depression and PTSD, since 1982,* These illnesses are more painful and kill more people than Ebola, cancer, AIDS, and auto-immune disorders combined* Please read my words and "soak" them in, I am now 45 years old and succumbing to the illness, I have tried every remedy mankind has to offer and am "waving the white flag." mine is very SEVERE and it has completely destroyed my life, before I die, I am just trying to leave my mark on society by perhaps helping another person, people avoid discussing it because it is an unpleasant topic, meanwhile* every 14 seconds around the world depression will EXTINGUISH another life*

  33. Your childhood sounded pretty bad. Extremely bad. Mine was horrible too. My Mum began hitting me when I was a toddler of about three or four until I was nine, at which point she threw me out of her house. I never went back. She once let me walk into my infant school with bruising all over my face. The damage was spotted by a teacher but nothing was done to protect me. I would go on to be abused for a few more years following that incident. Today I have many stress related illnesses. I am currently on anti-depressants and I have had a mental breakdown followed by the shingles virus. My doctor told me to do exercise, lose weight, stop smoking and try yoga. All that stuff helps a bit, I must admit. X

  34. Thank you for making video . I went through rough childhood myself.I am 49 and still suffering. I am making a lot of changes in my life now! God Bless you!

  35. same here but no one tried to kill me but yeah this one time my father tried to throw me off the second floor but i never fainted. but my symptoms are the same that you have explained but addition to that i get this raging anger fits for no reason at all simply because i go back to that abusing even while i am awake if i am watching similar scene a movie or an action movie and start punching walls and beating things. does anyone get these attacks too? nature is calming for me too.

  36. Big chunks of your story sound familiar. I don't feel as angry and hurt now, listening to this video has been calming. Thank you, feeling alone and unable to escape or outgrow some old 'family issues' is torture. Even after long stretches of peace having the same b.s. return or just being reminded of it… Thank you for sharing. I'm going to get back to cooking and trying to actually live.

  37. Thank you so much for sharing your traumatic childhood with us. You have lots of courage. I wish I could give you a hug. I also had very abusive narcissistic parents lately I am connecting the dots trying to heal to become who I was meant to be by embracing my potential. It is hard to turn off my parents voice of disapproval and character assassination for they only saw the worse in me. Tears roll up my face when you described your experiences with shame, and stress during your childhood. I do meditation to try to heal so I want to share with you one I found here today on you tube. You are a survivor please dont give up on the wonderful little girl inside of yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0itB8WekKz0

  38. watching this I am in tears. I am 22 and I lived your story. my mother abused me so badly I can relate on so many topics. the trauma bond and the shaming. it's all very hard for me to face still I am not in therapy and I just looked up ptsd videos because I've been diagnosed and I just wanna say thanks for makin this. idk why but it is making me feel not so alone. I might make some videos like this just to share my story…who knows. it might help me. sorry you had to go thrpught this

  39. your the healthy one. The best revenge is living well. good luck.

  40. I was severely abuse by my adop parents for being special needs

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